At times I’m quite surprised at the level of stress and anxiety that early pregnancy has on me. And then at times I (briefly) feel at peace with the whole situation. Right now sleep is my savior though and I’d be perfectly happy to go to sleep and not wake up again until at least twelve weeks. When you sleep you don’t think, and when you don’t think you don’t stress. Therefore sleep = A OK in my books.
Another reason why I don’t want to tell people that I’m pregnant is because I don’t want the broken record of ‘just relax and everything will be fine’. I’m sure people think it’s helpful, or positive, but really it’s not for me. I’ve done ‘relaxed’ – Um I lost my baby. So relaxing is off the cards. I wish that it really was that simple to now relax and things will be fine. Relaxing would be a hell of a lot easier than constant fear. Relaxing just isn’t possible. At times I picture our life with our baby, and then I get a cramp on my left hand side. And I stop fantasising and go back to fear.
Pregnancy for me is wrapped up in fear and anxiety. I’m happy I am pregnant. I also know that I HAVE to be pregnant in order to have any children. But pregnancy and me, we just don’t do well. We have a sordid past that has left a small piece of my heart broken forever.
I think today’s ‘concerns’ (for lack of a better word) stem from the fact that in 24 hours I’ll be having my first scan. I can PICTURE the technician saying and there’s the heartbeat, and yes you’re 6 weeks and due on the 23rd February. I can see me crying. But then, then I can also see the silence. The technician saying I’ll just be back in a moment, and instantly knowing it’s over. Last time the technician was so confused, she just said I need the Dr – then she just got up and walked out. And I knew it was over. I never ever would have guessed it was in my bloody ovary though!! She apologised afterwards though as she was just so shocked, as she believed I had a twin pregnancy with one in the uterus and one in the ovary. She panicked and didn’t want to ‘worry me’ by saying the wrong thing so she just bailed!!! I know they aren’t allowed to officially diagnose, but some sort of hint like ‘Oh there appears to be a lump in your ovary – I’d just like the dr to check it’ or something else would have made me feel so much better. I guess though that could have been even worse than just an ovarian ectopic – it could have been twins. Knowing you have a perfectly healthy pregnancy in your uterus that you have to terminate because of the ectopic. I guess that was a small blessing.
I have a favourite technician at this particular U/S clinic (which proves I’ve had way too many ultrasounds). Now the problem is if I get him, I might feel jinxed. He was the technician who confirmed at 10.5 weeks that my baby had not made it past 8.5 weeks. He was so extremely professional and considerate. I was in the waiting room while DP had a x-ray a couple of weeks ago and this technician walked out. Well I had a little bit of a cry 2 years later and I still had all the same feelings of appreciation for him. I truly was so grateful to have had do my scan on the day. If I do get him again I think I will mention to him how much I appreciated his actions on that day. He switched the roof monitor off and turned his monitor away from me, as I had already told him we weren’t expecting good news at all. I remember asking ‘how bad it was’ and him saying that yes there is no heartbeat, and that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days, but the baby looks perfect. There’s no visual problems he could see and that and that the baby just stopped growing.
*Hmmm well that made me a little emotional and I needed a time out*
I just have so much respect for the guy. When it was probably ‘right’ for him to say fetus or embryo or products of conception or the likes, he called it my baby, and he said it looked perfect – and for that tiny little bit of compassion, I’ll be forever grateful. That day was a 5hit 5hit 5hit day, and he gave me some dignity.
So I think that that is why today is a bit of a strange day. I have history with ultrasounds. I have history with this ultrasound clinic. I may even have history with the technician. And it’s brought all these emotions to the surface. I’m scared, I’m positive, I’m negative, I’m nervous, I’m everything rolled into one. Tomorrow will be HUGE, whichever way it goes.
24 hours til my scan.
24 hours of insanity
24 hours til we know if this is a viable pregnancy……..
So if you can spare it…… please please pelase think good thoughts for me at about 4.00pm tomorrow!!!
Grow little one Grow!
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
5 Weeks and 5 Days Pregnant
Today marks 5 weeks and 5 Days into this pregnancy. I've only known I was pregnant for 16 days, yet it feels like so much longer. 3 weeks from today was the date that I lost the first baby in 2008. So 3 more weeks til that milestone. Well probably a bit longer as I doubt my OB appointment, and therefore scan, wont be on that exact date.
We are the countdown til my scan, which I WASN'T going to have but then after all the ovarian pain I was having I decided I really probably should!!! So 50 hours until first scan
Is anyone else having massive issues with food? Not m/s but not feeling like anything in particular to eat and then not wanting the food that is on offer?
Friday night at the shops we walked around for about an hour trying to decide on something for dinner. NOTHING interested me. Every single suggestion by DP was met by me screwing my nose up in disgust. By the end of it I was almost in tears. DP was laughing telling me I'm not supposed to cry in coles. He thinks the emotional meltdowns at the weirdest of times are hilarious. I just can't control the tears sometimes. And it just comes on for no apparent reason.......
Oh that brings me to the big Saturday breakdown.... over the dog. Well I decided that I needed to tell the dog just how much I love her, and that I will still love her if we have a baby. And that she will always be my first born fur-child and blah blah . I bawled my eyes out and hugged her for about an hour. Too her credit, she just layed there and put up with her crazy mum.
The dog and DP have formed an alliance though. They seem to to sense when I am close to tears, and usually group together. The dog will be asleep on the lounge with me and I'll start to feel emotional, she'll wake up, look at me, get off the lounge and go and sit with DP. Then DP will look from the dog to me and realise what's about to happen. I'm waiting for him to come out with the "Danger, Danger" chant. The dog has taken to following DP around and being careful about being stuck alone in a room with me - even she knows I'm a wreck
I've still had intermittent pain on both sides, but never both sides at once. One day I will be tender on the left side and then the next day I will be tender on the right side. I've also had a couple of instacnes where I cough or sneeze and I can feel everything tighten inside, not the most pelasant of experiences.
Nothing much has changed in a sense of my outlook for the pregnancy. I have days where I think that I couldn't possibly be so unlucky to go through another miscarriage, and that this time I will definitely get a baby at the end. But then I have days where I think well people have a lot more losses than what I have had, and it has to happen to someone.
I do think that if we have another loss, that having a baby will be off the cards. I try not to think too much about this not having a positiove outcome, as I just can't even bring myself to imagine the devastation I'll go through. I really feel like this is my last chance at a baby. Because DP and I will totally throw in the towel if we have another loss. I still wear the pendant around my neck that represents the miscarriages we had in 2008. The pain hasn't gone, it just got easier to live with. But I still think about them every day. I imagine that those felings will become part of a different aspect of my life if I do get to havea baby. That an actual child will make the sadness not so prominent. That maybe it will become something I think off every now and again, not every day.
Ok, enough with the doom and gloom
I received another lot of HCG results back. I was hoping for around 10,000 and we got 16,000
So this is the history of my HCG.
HCG Levels
11DPO - 35
13DPO - 115
17DPO - 870
20DPO - 3,630
24DPO - 16,000
I'm going to try and get my next one just before the scan. So I'll have a number to match the date.
My doubling times are really good, and are still under 48 hours even though I'm up to 16,000.
Again, thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and to say congratulations. I really appreciate it
We are the countdown til my scan, which I WASN'T going to have but then after all the ovarian pain I was having I decided I really probably should!!! So 50 hours until first scan
Is anyone else having massive issues with food? Not m/s but not feeling like anything in particular to eat and then not wanting the food that is on offer?
Friday night at the shops we walked around for about an hour trying to decide on something for dinner. NOTHING interested me. Every single suggestion by DP was met by me screwing my nose up in disgust. By the end of it I was almost in tears. DP was laughing telling me I'm not supposed to cry in coles. He thinks the emotional meltdowns at the weirdest of times are hilarious. I just can't control the tears sometimes. And it just comes on for no apparent reason.......
Oh that brings me to the big Saturday breakdown.... over the dog. Well I decided that I needed to tell the dog just how much I love her, and that I will still love her if we have a baby. And that she will always be my first born fur-child and blah blah . I bawled my eyes out and hugged her for about an hour. Too her credit, she just layed there and put up with her crazy mum.
The dog and DP have formed an alliance though. They seem to to sense when I am close to tears, and usually group together. The dog will be asleep on the lounge with me and I'll start to feel emotional, she'll wake up, look at me, get off the lounge and go and sit with DP. Then DP will look from the dog to me and realise what's about to happen. I'm waiting for him to come out with the "Danger, Danger" chant. The dog has taken to following DP around and being careful about being stuck alone in a room with me - even she knows I'm a wreck
I've still had intermittent pain on both sides, but never both sides at once. One day I will be tender on the left side and then the next day I will be tender on the right side. I've also had a couple of instacnes where I cough or sneeze and I can feel everything tighten inside, not the most pelasant of experiences.
Nothing much has changed in a sense of my outlook for the pregnancy. I have days where I think that I couldn't possibly be so unlucky to go through another miscarriage, and that this time I will definitely get a baby at the end. But then I have days where I think well people have a lot more losses than what I have had, and it has to happen to someone.
I do think that if we have another loss, that having a baby will be off the cards. I try not to think too much about this not having a positiove outcome, as I just can't even bring myself to imagine the devastation I'll go through. I really feel like this is my last chance at a baby. Because DP and I will totally throw in the towel if we have another loss. I still wear the pendant around my neck that represents the miscarriages we had in 2008. The pain hasn't gone, it just got easier to live with. But I still think about them every day. I imagine that those felings will become part of a different aspect of my life if I do get to havea baby. That an actual child will make the sadness not so prominent. That maybe it will become something I think off every now and again, not every day.
Ok, enough with the doom and gloom
I received another lot of HCG results back. I was hoping for around 10,000 and we got 16,000
So this is the history of my HCG.
HCG Levels
11DPO - 35
13DPO - 115
17DPO - 870
20DPO - 3,630
24DPO - 16,000
I'm going to try and get my next one just before the scan. So I'll have a number to match the date.
My doubling times are really good, and are still under 48 hours even though I'm up to 16,000.
Again, thank you to everyone who has sent me messages of support and to say congratulations. I really appreciate it
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
5 Weeks Pregnant
So I’ve decided that I’m “Silently Pregnant”.
I know I’m pregnant, DP knows I’m pregnant and the internet world knows I’m pregnant.
No one in real life knows that as of right now, I am 5 weeks pregnant. Hence I feel ‘Silently Pregnant’.
I wonder how long I can go on like this? I know another person who went to after 16 weeks. I think I could do this – dependant on my size. I can imagine getting to twelve weeks and dp and I saying, just one more week, to be safe. Just one more week….
It’s not that I don’t want people to know, and heaven forbid something did happen, I would most definitely tell my family straight away. But I feel if I told them, I’d be public domain. They would all ask me everyday how I am and come and try to help out with things. I know I should be appreciative of that, but I just don’t want to have to shoulder everyone else fears and hopes as well. DP and I struggle enough at the moment to live a pregnancy type lifestyle, but not allow ourselves to get too excited. It’s extremely difficult at the moment because we are in limbo. It’s too early for a scan, so we don’t even know if this baby is in the right spot yet. If we discover a healthy baby at next week’s scan, it will definitely relieve some of the anxiety. But we still won’t be the couple telling anyone and everyone we are pregnant, like we have done before.
I mentioned this to another Blogger just yesterday, I feel like my body takes statistics as a challenge; something to strive for.
1. Percentage of likelihood of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat is reduced to 5 %– I saw the heartbeat of our bUb, and still lost it.
2. If a live fetus is present at 8 weeks then the rate drops to 3% -
3. 2% of Pregnancies are Ectopic – Yep had one of those
4. Only 3% of ectopic pregnancies are NOT in the Fallopian Tube – mine was in my ovary
5. 98% of patients treated with Methotrexate will miscarry naturally within 7 days – nope not me
I feel like my body has a problem conforming to the norm. It chooses not to do what ‘everyone else’ does and likes to be a bit of a medical marvel – much to the appreciation of my medically trained friends. I think I’ve come in handy in a few Medical Assignments at uni! I’m hoping the 2 years off from TTC has made my body realise that we’re pushing 30 and its time to get this baby making business happening! So needless to say this pregnancy makes me nervous. Some days I am so toTally and utterly overwhelmed by the excitement of it all, I let myself get carried away with thinking about rearranging the house and what will go where and how, what where, when etc. And then other days the fear just overwhelms everything and I wouldn’t dare try and tempt fate and fantasise about what I will do when the baby arrives.
And then there are days like today. Where the pain in my left side scares the daylights out of me and I think it’s another ectopic, no matter how well my HCG levels are rising. And I Google the crap out of ‘HCG Levels in Ectopics”, “HCG rising time in Ectopics”, “How early can you detect an ectopic”. Cause to be honest..... I’m a bit bloody sore. When its on the right hand side, I’m fine. I just assume that its hormones or something stretching or pulling or any number of perfectly acceptable reasons. But when its on the left side the only reason I can come up with is it’s an Ectopic.
I rang the ultrasound clinic to have an emergency ultrasound to detect whether it was again an ectopic. They said that they just don’t have the experience with Ovarian Ectopics to be able to comfortably ascertain whether it was one or not. And I have to agree, they were totally and utterly dumbfounded when they found my Ovarian Ectopic last time....
So at this point I'm going to try and wait until next Wednesdau for my scan, when I will be exactly 6 weeks. If the pain gets to severe I'll try and get an emergency scan on Saturday.
Other than the fear and worry today I'm not too bad. Still a little nausea throughout the day, but mainly first thing in the morning and later after dinner. (.)(.) are still tender and definitely growing - I will need to keep them hidden or they'll give it away!!!
I know I’m pregnant, DP knows I’m pregnant and the internet world knows I’m pregnant.
No one in real life knows that as of right now, I am 5 weeks pregnant. Hence I feel ‘Silently Pregnant’.
I wonder how long I can go on like this? I know another person who went to after 16 weeks. I think I could do this – dependant on my size. I can imagine getting to twelve weeks and dp and I saying, just one more week, to be safe. Just one more week….
It’s not that I don’t want people to know, and heaven forbid something did happen, I would most definitely tell my family straight away. But I feel if I told them, I’d be public domain. They would all ask me everyday how I am and come and try to help out with things. I know I should be appreciative of that, but I just don’t want to have to shoulder everyone else fears and hopes as well. DP and I struggle enough at the moment to live a pregnancy type lifestyle, but not allow ourselves to get too excited. It’s extremely difficult at the moment because we are in limbo. It’s too early for a scan, so we don’t even know if this baby is in the right spot yet. If we discover a healthy baby at next week’s scan, it will definitely relieve some of the anxiety. But we still won’t be the couple telling anyone and everyone we are pregnant, like we have done before.
I mentioned this to another Blogger just yesterday, I feel like my body takes statistics as a challenge; something to strive for.
1. Percentage of likelihood of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat is reduced to 5 %– I saw the heartbeat of our bUb, and still lost it.
2. If a live fetus is present at 8 weeks then the rate drops to 3% -
3. 2% of Pregnancies are Ectopic – Yep had one of those
4. Only 3% of ectopic pregnancies are NOT in the Fallopian Tube – mine was in my ovary
5. 98% of patients treated with Methotrexate will miscarry naturally within 7 days – nope not me
I feel like my body has a problem conforming to the norm. It chooses not to do what ‘everyone else’ does and likes to be a bit of a medical marvel – much to the appreciation of my medically trained friends. I think I’ve come in handy in a few Medical Assignments at uni! I’m hoping the 2 years off from TTC has made my body realise that we’re pushing 30 and its time to get this baby making business happening! So needless to say this pregnancy makes me nervous. Some days I am so toTally and utterly overwhelmed by the excitement of it all, I let myself get carried away with thinking about rearranging the house and what will go where and how, what where, when etc. And then other days the fear just overwhelms everything and I wouldn’t dare try and tempt fate and fantasise about what I will do when the baby arrives.
And then there are days like today. Where the pain in my left side scares the daylights out of me and I think it’s another ectopic, no matter how well my HCG levels are rising. And I Google the crap out of ‘HCG Levels in Ectopics”, “HCG rising time in Ectopics”, “How early can you detect an ectopic”. Cause to be honest..... I’m a bit bloody sore. When its on the right hand side, I’m fine. I just assume that its hormones or something stretching or pulling or any number of perfectly acceptable reasons. But when its on the left side the only reason I can come up with is it’s an Ectopic.
I rang the ultrasound clinic to have an emergency ultrasound to detect whether it was again an ectopic. They said that they just don’t have the experience with Ovarian Ectopics to be able to comfortably ascertain whether it was one or not. And I have to agree, they were totally and utterly dumbfounded when they found my Ovarian Ectopic last time....
So at this point I'm going to try and wait until next Wednesdau for my scan, when I will be exactly 6 weeks. If the pain gets to severe I'll try and get an emergency scan on Saturday.
Other than the fear and worry today I'm not too bad. Still a little nausea throughout the day, but mainly first thing in the morning and later after dinner. (.)(.) are still tender and definitely growing - I will need to keep them hidden or they'll give it away!!!
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