5 Weeks and 6 Days Pregnant

At times I’m quite surprised at the level of stress and anxiety that early pregnancy has on me. And then at times I (briefly) feel at peace with the whole situation. Right now sleep is my savior though and I’d be perfectly happy to go to sleep and not wake up again until at least twelve weeks. When you sleep you don’t think, and when you don’t think you don’t stress. Therefore sleep = A OK in my books.

Another reason why I don’t want to tell people that I’m pregnant is because I don’t want the broken record of ‘just relax and everything will be fine’. I’m sure people think it’s helpful, or positive, but really it’s not for me. I’ve done ‘relaxed’ – Um I lost my baby. So relaxing is off the cards. I wish that it really was that simple to now relax and things will be fine. Relaxing would be a hell of a lot easier than constant fear. Relaxing just isn’t possible. At times I picture our life with our baby, and then I get a cramp on my left hand side. And I stop fantasising and go back to fear.

Pregnancy for me is wrapped up in fear and anxiety. I’m happy I am pregnant. I also know that I HAVE to be pregnant in order to have any children. But pregnancy and me, we just don’t do well. We have a sordid past that has left a small piece of my heart broken forever.

I think today’s ‘concerns’ (for lack of a better word) stem from the fact that in 24 hours I’ll be having my first scan. I can PICTURE the technician saying and there’s the heartbeat, and yes you’re 6 weeks and due on the 23rd February. I can see me crying. But then, then I can also see the silence. The technician saying I’ll just be back in a moment, and instantly knowing it’s over. Last time the technician was so confused, she just said I need the Dr – then she just got up and walked out. And I knew it was over. I never ever would have guessed it was in my bloody ovary though!! She apologised afterwards though as she was just so shocked, as she believed I had a twin pregnancy with one in the uterus and one in the ovary. She panicked and didn’t want to ‘worry me’ by saying the wrong thing so she just bailed!!! I know they aren’t allowed to officially diagnose, but some sort of hint like ‘Oh there appears to be a lump in your ovary – I’d just like the dr to check it’ or something else would have made me feel so much better. I guess though that could have been even worse than just an ovarian ectopic – it could have been twins. Knowing you have a perfectly healthy pregnancy in your uterus that you have to terminate because of the ectopic. I guess that was a small blessing.

I have a favourite technician at this particular U/S clinic (which proves I’ve had way too many ultrasounds). Now the problem is if I get him, I might feel jinxed. He was the technician who confirmed at 10.5 weeks that my baby had not made it past 8.5 weeks. He was so extremely professional and considerate. I was in the waiting room while DP had a x-ray a couple of weeks ago and this technician walked out. Well I had a little bit of a cry  2 years later and I still had all the same feelings of appreciation for him. I truly was so grateful to have had do my scan on the day. If I do get him again I think I will mention to him how much I appreciated his actions on that day. He switched the roof monitor off and turned his monitor away from me, as I had already told him we weren’t expecting good news at all. I remember asking ‘how bad it was’ and him saying that yes there is no heartbeat, and that the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks and 5 days, but the baby looks perfect. There’s no visual problems he could see and that and that the baby just stopped growing.

*Hmmm well that made me a little emotional and I needed a time out*

I just have so much respect for the guy. When it was probably ‘right’ for him to say fetus or embryo or products of conception or the likes, he called it my baby, and he said it looked perfect – and for that tiny little bit of compassion, I’ll be forever grateful. That day was a 5hit 5hit 5hit day, and he gave me some dignity.

So I think that that is why today is a bit of a strange day. I have history with ultrasounds. I have history with this ultrasound clinic. I may even have history with the technician. And it’s brought all these emotions to the surface. I’m scared, I’m positive, I’m negative, I’m nervous, I’m everything rolled into one. Tomorrow will be HUGE, whichever way it goes.


24 hours til my scan.

24 hours of insanity

24 hours til we know if this is a viable pregnancy……..


So if you can spare it…… please please pelase think good thoughts for me at about 4.00pm tomorrow!!!