Hello Stalkers,er….. readers, Hello READERS J
My positivity from the first couple of weeks has diminished a little so I’ve been staying away so as not to bring anyone down.
I had my OB appointment today. Saw the midwife first and got my Yellow Card, Hospital Admission Forms, and my referral for the NT scan. And to be honest – it was all a bit too much. I ‘know’ it’s normal, and that I ‘need’ these things. But it was just all too much and I just didn’t want to even touch the forms. I felt like I was jinxing everything by being so presumptuous. It’s also pretty daunting when your Yellow card says ZERO children but 6 pregnancies. And now I get to carry that around with me – yay. She then went on to tell me about Mrs X who had six thousand m/c’s and then had 56 healthy babies etc etc. My brain was so overloaded I just wanted to run. Then I got the full run down on how babies are made and ‘why’ things can go wrong. I had to tell her I used to be nurse and kind of know the deal. Then she wanted to tell me that I didn’t anything about cycles, and that I couldn’t possibly have O’d when I say I did. OK lady – put whatever the hell you want on the form, and I’ll just change it later. I was thankful to get out of there. I’ve met her before and she is lovely, but she was just too much for me today.
After that I went in to see my lovely OB – who was A MILLION times better than the midwife. He said are you nervous. I said definitely. He said how is DP, and I said the same as me, happy, but very anxious. He said it’s typical and not to worry about feeling like that (which I’m not). I told him I hadn’t eaten this morning in case there is something wrong and I need surgery. Because of one stupid glass of water last time I had keep a dead baby inside me overnight before I could have my D&C. I hated it, it was worse knowing it was still in there and no longer alive than it was to actually process the information that I’d miscarried. So no breakfast and no water this morning, which made for some crappy nausea while I was waiting.
The OB couldn’t see the baby through an abdominal ultrasound, which was disappointing as I was trying to avoid internals. So we had to have dildocam J Once that was in he could asked if I could see the heartbeat. Huh – I couldn’t see anything. His portable U/S machine is pretty basic compared to the one at the U/S clinic!!! But he pointed it out and started doing some measurements. Bub measured 6 weeks and 6 days. It should have been 7 weeks and 2 days according to my last scan. So I really wasn’t impressed at all. Although he said that it’s completely normal to measure a bit out, I don’t think they realise that that seriously offers zero comfort. He said all the usual if I feel like I just lose all the pregnancy symptoms, call him. If I bleed, call him. If I have severe cramping, call him. If I have any other issues, call him. And he was lovely enough to drive me his mobile number. And then he said I will be on fortnightly visits until we decide I might actually be having a pregnancy where I get a baby at the end. We finished up the appointment and I went to make the next one. Theuy wanted to do it a 8 weeks 6 days and I said no – that that is not enough ‘time’ to pass. I lost one of the babies at 8 weeks and 5 days, and I NEEDED the next appointment to be well after that.
So I left feeling…. Nothing. I rang DP and said I just don’t FEEL anything. I’m not happy, I’m not scared; I’m not excited, I’m not sad. I’m just numb. I’m just sitting here waiting to have a miscarriage of waiting to get to at least 10 weeks or so. And I feel terrible for not feeling anything, which weighs on my mind. I don’t want to be a bi7ch, or indifferent to my pregnancy. But it seems this ‘numb’ business is easier to do then being emotionally destroyed and bawling most of the time. So I’m kinda hiding out, keeping to myself and just sitting with DP and being numb for awhile. Hopefully this funk will shift soon.
Sorry I’m not more positive today folks. Just a bit apprehensive, that’s all.
No comments:
Post a Comment